Category: Staff

Few of our team inspire the awe that Mrs. Tuppence does. A senior member of eleven years, she runs our Slow Stalk class on Thursdays. In it, recruits learn to move one paw every nine seconds toward a target that is usually a bit of fluff on the carpet.

Tuppence once spent forty minutes approaching a moth. At the final moment she paused, looked at the moth, and gently decided not to. ‘The wanting was enough,’ she told the class, and then fell asleep. We all cried. Then we all sprinted, because crying is not a cardio exercise. Her class is full until November, but you can watch from the radiator.

Many of you have asked after Private Noodle, following the unfortunate incident of the third shelf. I can report that he is fine. He is better than fine. He has returned to the track, having spent six days in the Light Duties Corner thinking about what he did.

On his first night back he completed 22 laps, tapped the bookcase once with a respectful paw, and sat on the bottom shelf like a king awaiting his subjects. This, recruits, is how you recover from a fall: not by pretending it did not happen, but by sitting on the evidence. Welcome back, Noodle. The bookcase forgives you. I do not.

Every elite unit has a specialist, and ours is Corporal Pickle. A grey and white shorthair of four years, Pickle holds the Gym record for longest recorded skid on laminate: 3.6 metres, ending in a perfectly dignified sit. He has never once admitted the skid was an accident.

Pickle teaches our Tuesday Corners class, in which recruits learn to take a ninety degree turn at full speed without grabbing the rug. His methods are unorthodox. They involve a great deal of watching, a small amount of muttering, and one lemon scented candle he has been told not to touch. Treat him with respect. He remembers who was late.