Category: Events

The Annual Hairball Open returns on the 31st, and this year we have introduced categories. There is Longest, Most Surprising, Best Placed Near the Human’s Slippers, and the coveted People’s Choice. Judges will include Sergeant Biscuit, Mrs. Tuppence, and a local cat named Barnaby, who has never been wrong about a hairball.

Entries must be natural and unassisted. No grass, no coaching, no dramatic build up beyond the usual theatrical wheeze. Winners receive a rosette, a bowl of tuna, and the quiet admiration of the household. The Gym accepts no responsibility for the cleaning bill. That belongs to the human, who has had plenty of warning.

Recruits, October is upon us, and the hallway has been transformed into Spooky Hallway Mode. We have strung a single strand of fairy lights, hung a paper bat from the ceiling, and left a half carved pumpkin at the end of the track as a finishing line. It smells of candles and bad decisions. I approve.

The goal this month is to sprint the full length without flinching at the bat. It is a paper bat. It was drawn by a human child. It will not hurt you. If you flinch, you will repeat the lap. If you flinch twice, you will be assigned to the pumpkin, which is not cruel but is certainly orange.

Saturday night, 3:30 sharp, we hold the annual Curtain Climb Qualifier in the lounge. The challenge is to ascend the heavy green drapes to the pelmet in under nine seconds, survey the room, and descend with at least some dignity. Judges are Corporal Pickle, Private Noodle, and a stuffed mouse named Gerald who has seen things.

Fabric damage is part of the event, and the Gym accepts no liability for threads, holes, or the faint sound of your human sighing from the next room. Last year’s champion, Recruit Toffee, set the record at 7.4 seconds. She was never seen again. She is now running the pelmet.