Saturday night, 3:30 sharp, we hold the annual Curtain Climb Qualifier in the lounge. The challenge is to ascend the heavy green drapes to the pelmet in under nine seconds, survey the room, and descend with at least some dignity. Judges are Corporal Pickle, Private Noodle, and a stuffed mouse named Gerald who has seen things.
Fabric damage is part of the event, and the Gym accepts no liability for threads, holes, or the faint sound of your human sighing from the next room. Last year’s champion, Recruit Toffee, set the record at 7.4 seconds. She was never seen again. She is now running the pelmet.
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